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“Lost.” Season Four. Finale. Awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Enough of that, let’s cut right into this thing. Rather than waste time pointing out where we left off with our plagued survivors, you can take a moment of your own time and check out the last “Lost” post or dig right into this one.

We pick up at the exact latest moment we’ve seen that takes place off the island, that being a cracked-up Jack telling an angry Kate that they have to go back. Kate pulls away…but what we don’t see, is Kate back up and get out of the car. The brief and heated conversation they then have reveals that the man in the coffin is (I swear to God, time like, slowed down for me) Jeremy Bentham. Jeremy Bentham? Who the %$&* is Jeremy Bentham? At best I can speculate that this is the nameless black guy we’ve seen several times before, and I pretty much stick to that until we finally see in the last scene that it’s really (yup, I’m gonna say it) Locke.

Back on the island, we pick up with Sayid and Kate helping free Ben from Keamy and company, which is awesome because we get to see Sayid and Keamy basically knock the living crap out of each other. I’m not sure we’ve seen a brawl like this since Ethan put Jack to shame back in season 1, and it was pretty damn good. Once Keamy is down, Ben once again joins the Others, who inform him that their arrangement with Sayid and Kate was that they are free to leave the island in return for helping get Ben back. And so they go their separate ways, and suddenly Sayid and Kate have their own helicopter.

Flash-forward to Hurley getting a visit from Walt, where Hurley in short, tells Walt that they are lying about the crash and their survival to protect everyone who was left behind on the island. Furthermore, they both, like Jack and Kate, have spoken to this Jeremy Bentham guy. Oh yeah, that’s that bald, nameless black guy, right? Wrong. It’s Locke, duh. Speaking of Locke, the next scene involves an encounter between Jack and Locke at the Orchid Station where Locke says a few things (like telling Jack that if they leave the island, they’ll have to lie about everything that’s happened) and as per usual when Locke says weird shit, Jack does that sorta crazy laugh that means he’s completely pissed off and fed up.

Back on the beach, we finally learn something significant about Red, I mean Charlotte. Miles makes a comment insinuating that Charlotte has been spending her entire life trying to get “back here,” and later it seems as if she believes she was born on the island. Anyway, she and Miles apparently decide that they’re going to stay on the island. Now I love this show. I love “Survivor.” I love virtually every show that takes place on an island, but I find it incredibly odd that these people, who seemingly have nothing to fear in the real world (if you recall, the people who followed Locke and decided to stay on the island were afraid that the people from the freighter were not there to rescue them), are just simply deciding to stay here. I fail to see the logical reasoning behind this decision, especially when it doesn’t look like too many people plan on sticking around anymore.

My doubts aside, Locke and Ben are then in the Orchid Station, where Locke watches a video specifically telling him not to put metal or inorganic objects in a particular chamber, as Ben begins stocking the chamber with…metal and inorganic objects! The video, in short, explains that time-travel is possible and I suppose that’s what the Orchid Station was studying. The effects of putting metal and inorganic objects in the chamber, well, apparently that is what will “move the island.” Either way, because there’s still another hour left in the finale, something has to go wrong, and it does, because Keamy shows up, gets in yet another brawl, this time with Ben, and Ben finally stabs him dead. I was sad to see Keamy die. He was another love-to-hate-him type of character, and I would’ve been interested to see how being stranded on the island with all these people he was about to kill played out for him. Granted, I guess there’s enough going on in this show already.

As if the finale wasn’t going awesome enough, the next chunk of story continued being pretty damn explosive. Frank has Sayid, Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer on the chopper heading back towards the freighter. Of course, everything that can go wrong will go wrong, so the chopper has a leak and they have to start throwing all the excess weight off the chopper in hopes of making it to the freighter. Frank says they’re still too heavy and then Sawyer gets that look in his eyes. We’ve seen this look before. It’s that begrudging look he gets when he realizes he’s about to do something for the greater good of others. With that,  he whispered something to Kate, gives her an incredible kiss, and jumps out of the chopper. Yeah. I’d like to meet the person, girl or guy, who did not fall a little in love with Sawyer at that particular moment. Christ, God knows I did.

Chopper lands, but at this point, because Keamy is dead (I failed to mention that he has a heart monitor hooked up to the C4 on the freighter that Michael, Jin, and Desmond were trying to freeze to keep it from going off. Unfortunately, they only prolonged the inevitable. The chopper was quickly fueled and patched up and everyone hopped on board. Frank, and yup, the whole Oceanic 6, with Sun and Aaron now joining the original group on the chopper, along with Desmond. Inside, Michael gave Jin the go ahead to get the f&*% off the freighter, and Jin took off. Meanwhile, Christian Shephard popped up in front of Michael and said, “You can go now, Michael” (Grim Reaper much?). What the hell did this mean? Is Michael dead? Does what Christian said mean that the island will finally let Michael die, or could that have just been a warning that he better get away from the C4. I sort of want to see a little more from Michael, so despite the odds, I hope that he’s alive out there and we’ll get the chance to see him confront those he betrayed. And Jin? Jin just missed the chopper and then the freighter blew and started sinking, so like, come on, that’s not a proper send off for Jin. He’s got to be alive somehow. And anyway, I know a major theme of “Lost” is having daddy issues or absent fathers, but how many children related to this island are we going to bastardize? Aaron, Walt, and Sun’s kid seems a little extreme. I can’t believe all these people are dead. Bullshit!

And finally, for tonight’s main event…the moving of the island! Ben insists that he do it, because “whoever moves the island can never return.” And so, Ben tells Locke to go find the Others as it is his time to lead them, then goes down into this icy room that looks like it might be in underground Antarctica, and then begins pushing this round wheel. Apparently moving the island quite literally meant that someone would have to move the island. Granted, microwaving metal objects also had something to do with it. As a result…

FLASH!

All the main characters witness a bright light, and when it’s gone…so is the island. Well, according to the Oceanic 6 plus Desmond and Frank it’s gone. The island still exists someplace. Daniel Faraday was on a raft, so I don’t know if he maybe moved with it or if he’s stranded. Same goes for Jin…and maybe Michael. We’ll find out next season, I guess. Sit tight though, because here’s where things begin to wrap up.

The chopper begins to waver and starts going down, so they crash and have to use the inflatable raft to sit on and wait for rescue…you know, the kind of rescue they waited 108 days for while actually on the island. Unbelievably enough, a rescue boat does come. Even more unbelievably enough, the rescue boat is Penny and her crew! She and Desmond embrace, only so we can assume that they live happily ever after. Will we ever see Desmond again? I’m not so sure. I hope so. Either way, this was not the end of the Oceanic 6’s rough days, as Jack realized that they had to lie. You know, being that the island has now vanished, and the fact that several incidents on it involved native people, pressing buttons, and black smoke monsters, not to mention that someone was trying to kill everyone on the island, it’s probably much safer to lie about what’s happened. And so, the next day, the Oceanic 6 set sail on a crappy little raft for some tiny island. Crazily enough, they risked going back into the ocean, in search of some island. Ballsy.  But it worked, so good deal for them.

And so, we find ourselves headed for the final, cryptic scene. Before that, let me add a few details I missed regarding flash-forwards:

-Sayid breaks Hurley out of the mental institution after killing another assassin. Clearly, someone is trying to kill the Oceanic 6, or is at least keeping a close eye on them.

-Sun approaches Charles Widmore, offering to work with him? Something’s strange about that. Could Sun really be heading for the dark side? I have to believe that she plans on playing him. Maybe using his resources to find the island again? Either way, Sun does not appear to be the same innocent woman she once was. I’ve got a feeling that in things to come, Sun will be a major player.

-Now for the epic last scene. Jack returns to the funeral parlor at night and breaks in. He flips open the casket, and then Ben walks in behind him. They small-talk a bit about Jeremy, saying that after Jack left some “very bad things happened” which is why Jack now has to go back. But Ben explains that the island won’t let Jack go alone, and that everyone will have to go. This includes the man in the casket. Who is dead. Which explains why he is in the casket. And finally, we get to see Jeremy Bentham…who is John Locke! Which I already revealed.

Now I’ll end with my issues about Jeremy Bentham being John Locke. I sort of loved it and thought it was a really great ending for the finale, but my issue was that everyone was referring to him as Jeremy Bentham like it was his real name. I could understand if they were very clearly in public. Walt and Hurley for instance, they were in the hospital and used the name Jeremy Bentham, but Jack and Kate behind the landing strip at the airport. Wouldn’t they, by second nature, refer to him as Locke. That’s really my only beef with the episode…unless Jin and Michael are really dead…then I have two beefs with the episode. But hey, we’ll continue this conversation come next January.

Aye, I’ve seen the “Lost” season 4 finale but I need another day to digest before reporting, so for now I bring you yet another installment of “‘The Real World’ Catch-Up.” Now some may recall that Joey has a bit of a drinking problem, and once again, we saw him succumb to the drink. We saw him dancing. We saw him laughing. We saw him making out with loose and fairly attractive blondes. Tragic things happen when Joey drinks.

Worse than Joey’s drinking though, little miss down to earth Bri made out with a girl at a club while dressed in a skanky black pleather outfit and her mouth went numb…meaning the girl was on coke (as in cocaine) and passed coke (as in cocaine) onto Bri, who apparently had a meth addiction at some point that turned into a coke (as in cocaine) addiction at some point. I’m waiting for an episode to come along where Bri is not being such a friggin’ little drama queen. Anyway though, her minor relapse gave her more to bond with Joey over due to his minor relapse. Unfortunately, the more she bonds with a man of substance (yes! total play on words, totally rockin’ the double meaning!) like Joey, the less attracted she is to him.

And now, for this season’s job/assignment: rather than the typical job assigned to the cast, this season’s cast is taking improv classes to become an improv group. They were greeted by none other than comedy and substance-abuse superstar Andy Dick! Everyone was ecstatic…except Greg…who said, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m as familiar with your…personality as everyone else here. Who are you?” Dumbass.

Next up was another big night out for the cast, meaning Bri donned her pleather underwear and bra and attempted to pass it off as acceptable attire for a young woman. Naturally, she attracted some sketchball with a crappy mohawk named Jo-Jo, also referred to as H0-Ho (according to some girls Dave talked to at the bar, the guy is a total “whorebag” and is probably crawling with STDs). Joey got a little jealous, namely because a girl he thinks is attracted to him, was also attracted to…well…this guy.

In any case, they got rid of Ho-Ho and the next day had another improv class, that strangely enough, looked like it went pretty well. Granted, that night they were assigned to go to an improv show, which Greg blew off. Nice work, Greg, I admire your dedication to unity and success.

That should just about do it for part 3, except a few fairly minor details that I’ll finish with:

-Someone has randomly been putting crap in people’s beds (rocks in Will’s, a bloody tissue in Dave’s?, and hundred dollar bills neatly placed on Greg’s!), and because no one in the house is more retarded than Greg, everyone is pretty damn sure that it’s Greg

-Sexual tension and flirtation continues to brew between Dave and Kimberly

-The whole Southern blonde thing that Kimberly has going on continues to be inexplicably and ridiculously cute

-Joey’s alcohol problems ain’t over…stay tuned…

Now that the cast and couples amidst the cast is established, it’s time for the drama to all play out. Based on the premiere, I would have expected a hell of a lot more conflict between Greg and the rest of the house, but after a chat with Will, Greg made more of an effort to get along with everyone. Oddly enough, it worked. I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of Greg’s clashes with the cast, but for now things seem civil.

As for Will’s “kindergarten crush” on Sarah, things haven’t necessarily gone favorably. Nor has the situation reflected him favorably. He seems pretty motivated in getting Sarah to cheat on her boyfriend, specifically with him. He’s so motivated that he’s enlisted Bri’s help in Operation: Get in Sarah’s Pants. Hell, he’s asked Greg for his advice. He’s certainly determined, which I guess is a good thing considering he walks to make it in the music industry while in Hollywood.

Now, things that went horribly, horribly wrong this episode all revolved around house guests. Not only did Dave and the guys give out their address to a couple of girls, namely because they were anatomically gifted (Dave liked the one girl’s boobs), Sarah (you remember, the girl who’s really committed to her boyfriend?) also dropped the address to a guy while at the bar. What each of these guests had in common was that they just pulled a drop-by and showed up. No phone call, no specific invite, they just plain showed up. Needless to say, they were not invited into the house (Bri told the girls they couldn’t come in, while the following night Joey told the guy he could not come in). These minor guest issues were completely trumped by an even bigger guest conundrum some nights later…

Dave and Kimberly had a bunch of people over one night, and Bri brought back a couple of guys who could “make her career.” Obviously, Kimberly would not kick

their guests out, so Bri got pissy and went outside with an attitude, dropping some choice words about her housemates until Kimberly stepped outside. Basically, Bri got up in her face, and (as I pointed out in “Catch-Up Part 1,” Kimberly is pretty damn cute but sort of culturally ignorant) Kimberly responded by saying, “There’s no need to get all ghetto here.” Yeah, a little bit offensive, and obviously the awkward situation was not resolved that evening.

Unbelievably enough, of all the people to step in and save the relationship, it was Greg who got Kimberly and Bri stand in the same room and apologize to each other for things that were said. For the time being, situation resolved, but honestly, it’s only a matter of time before these two go at it again.

Yup, I’ve been completely slacking on my commitment to being one of those people who actually still watches “The Real World,” but now here I am, owning up to it and catching up as fast as I can. So here it goes, I’m finally getting acquainted with Kimberly, Joey, Sarah, Dave, Briana, Will, and Greg…

First impressions:

Kimberly is a a cute Southern blonde, and I really like her so far. Unfortunately, I’m also skeptical of her because I’ve been deceived by these cute Southern girls before. Some “Real World” fans may recall Brooke from the Denver season who was the only perfectly normal cast member for the first few episodes, and just when I was comfortable thinking she was normal, turned out to be a nutcase. Kimberly though, I hope this isn’t the case. So far, at worst, she has had very little interaction with “urban” environments/people, and therefore is a little bit ignorant about cultural differences.

Joey looks like your absolute guinea meathead, the kind of guy that at first glance you absolutely assume is a douchebag, but he’s actually a pretty all right, level-headed guy.

Sarah is another cute girl, but so far, I’m getting the vibe that she’s a bit of a tease. She’s that girl this season who has a boyfriend that she’s really committed to, but in reality, if she doesn’t hook-up with several guys on the show, she’ll string several along throughout the season. I want to like her, but I don’t trust her. She’s bound for stirring up trouble.

Dave. What do you really say about Dave? He seems like a funny, charismatic guy who’s just always up for a good time. The thing about Dave is though, I don’t see him adding any flavor to the show. He’ll always just sort of be there, he’ll never stir up any significant drama, which is a rare quality in a cast member on “The Real World.” Granted, it’s a good quality in real life. Ironic.

Briana seems pretty cool, but it didn’t take long for things to go south with her. Revelation that she’s a stripper, finding out that back in Philly there’s a warrant out for her arrest (something about a fist fight with her ex-boyfriend). Everyone seems to want to think that she’s the most down to earth person in the room, but yeah…naaa, she’s definitely got a few issues to be worked out.

Will is like, almost the coolest, chillest guy ever. This is the kind of thing that sometimes happens in “The Real World.” They cast someone who’s extremely awesome and can just get along with absolutely everyone because they are so chill. By the end of the premiere though, not so much. He’s still a very chill dude, but he says and does a few things that make him slightly less honorable and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

GREG! The people’s choice! For the first time ever, MTV allowed the people to vote for a cast member, and the results? Not so good. Greg’s a pompous jackass that struts around, mumbling senseless things and looks down on everyone. He refuses to tone down his “strong personality” (he really doesn’t have much personality, he’s dull, but still manages to be an ass) to get along with others, and as a result, he clashes…with everybody.

That said, most this episode revolved around everyone not getting along with Greg. I can’t blame them, as within the first few seconds of meeting them, Greg treated them with incredible disinterest and barely seemed to care that these were the people he would be spending the next four months of his life with. He put forth no attempt to get to know anybody, and as would be assumed, everybody was put off.

More interesting than everyone hating Greg, were the variety of pair-offs so early on. It’s not unusual for two people to hit it off early on, but with the exception of Greg, everyone seemed to pair off pretty damn early. Dave and Kimberly wasted no time getting cuddly with each other. Joey and Briana developed their own close bond. Meanwhile, Will quickly began courting Sarah after an exchange of gum caused their lips to touch. Later, Will gave viewers a crash course in getting biddies: “Girls really like it when you tell them that you have a kindergarten crush on them.” Did this work? Not completely. She seemed uncomfortable with Will having a crush on her, but despite what she said, I don’t believe for a second that she’s not considering the idea. Stay tuned for future episodes as this new cast slowly reveals their true colors as they “stop being polite, and start getting real.”

I guess “The Hills” Finale was good for something, as in its once occupied time slot, we scored an extra episode of “The Paper” this week. Clearly, the greatness of last week’s Homecoming episode could only be rivaled by this double shot of “The Paper,” both of which were quite solid episodes.

In the first episode, we saw Amanda set her sights on applying to NYU while the rest of the staff set their sights on “superteen” Michael Jan. Not only does Michael Jan play tennis, run track, do orchestra, and have perfect grades, but he also has a social life. Everyone had nothing but good things to say about this kid. No one, guys included (Adam obviously), did not have a crush on this kid. Oh, wait, except Amanda.

During Giana’s interview with Michael Jan, Amanda made a point of talking to Mrs. Weiss about how according to her research, colleges are more interested in “well-rounded” students. Apparently, it’s not just about being in the top 5% of your class, or being involved a a wide range of activities, but they prefer students who do well in school while focusing on particular activities. Obviously, this roughly translates into, “Hey Mrs. Weiss, let me be a snooty little bitch and point out reasons why I am a better person than Michael Jan…while he’s sitting right here.” No one was deceived though, and Michael Jan maintained his heroic “superteen” status.

Other than that, Mrs. Weiss scheduled a team building exercise for the staff…on a Sunday! Supergay! Despite a great deal of backlash, the majority of the class showed up and did a fine job of working together on a challenging ropes course and developing close-knit relationships amongst each other. Adam and Giana didn’t show up for undisclosed reasons (probably had something to do with the fact that it was a SUNDAY!) while Amanda, little miss well-rounded Editor-in-Chief, decided that spending the entire day working on her NYU application was more important. Amanda is apparently so well-rounded and organized, that she could not make time to go to the ropes course with the entire staff. I bet she failed to write on her application about how to work on her application, she blew off a major commitment. College apps ain’t that hard, sunshine. Again, Amanda proves that she is the world’s biggest twit.

As a result of Amanda’s failure to show up to the ropes course, everyone seems to be getting along well. Amanda later tells Cassia, “I find it ironic that I tried so hard like, all year, to unite us all and the one time I’m not there, everyone unites…” Yeah, Amanda, that’s really not irony. Irony implies something that is unexpected, but yeah, I’d say everyone getting along and having a good time without you there is, well, pretty damn expected.

Anyway, the episode finished with some of the staff members challenging Michael Jan to a few events to see if he was, in fact, beatable. He lost in the rubix cube challenge and one on one basketball, but he won a race against Adam (psssh, like anyone doubted that).

As for the apparent finale episode, basically we got to see Amanda finally take some initiative. One such instance involved cutting the paper back 4 pages as it didn’t look like they had enough material for 36 pages. Another instance involved the vice-principal disapproving of a front page article the day before deadline, a decision that Amanda countered and came out victorious. As a result, she seemed to finally gain a little respect from the staff.

In closure, Alex and Amanda discussed their issues with each other, stating that they cannot be friends anymore (apparently the Editor-in-Chief position has torn them apart, gimme a $%&*ing break) but will still have to maintain a professional relationship. What I didn’t find out until midway through writing this post though, is that this was the finale. This is how we’re leaving the staff of “The Paper.” Lost friendships and ambiguous endings. Is this the final message that the staff is trying to send us? Is this the end of the story? According to MTV, I guess it is.

I’d like to close by thanking Amanda. She gave the world a colorful new reality TV personality, and contrary to my consistently mocking commentary on her, I found her to be quite entertaining. And so ends another series.

I guess the theme of this week’s episode of “The Paper” was unity. After the chaos and conflict of last week’s episode, some remained bitter while others attempted to reconcile. Mrs. Weiss tried to smooth things over by changing the seats, which nobody liked and Adam even said, “Nobody puts Adam Brock in $%&*ing corner!,” obviously referencing Patrick Swayze in “Dirty Dancing,” and obviously referencing his gayness by not choosing a more masculine Patrick Swayze movie to quote (”Road House,” “Point Break”).

More importantly, this episode was about Homecoming, and most importantly, Adam was running for Homecoming King. Wow. He would. More crucial plot points involved Amanda finding an old picture of the newspaper crew and hanging it up in the classroom as a means of bringing everyone together, but only Adam was fooled into nostalgia by the charade. So much so that he spent the entire week trying to convince everyone to take a picture together at homecoming because it would be so “cute.”

Regarding the Homecoming Dance, in a wild turn of events, Amanda was actually asked out by the President of the Latin Club. He left her a note in Latin that she had to translate, saying to meet him in the courtyard, she met him there, he asked her to go with him, and oh, wait…he wound up not going because “he got grounded.” I can’t imagine what the President of the Latin Club could’ve done to get grounded but I have two basic theories:

A.) His parents found out that he asked Amanda to Homecoming and they grounded him so they could beat some common sense into him or

B.) He came down with a case of common sense and realized he asked Amanda to Homecoming and lied.

So, in the end up, Amanda went by herself, and busted out some terrible dance moves (frankly, it was difficult to watch, and I’m no Patrick Swayze (I’m sorry, I had to go there and make the “Dirty Dancing” reference contrary to what I’ve said about Adam)). She harassed Alex about saving her a dance, which he totally dodged, but he was not so lucky when it came to taking that damn picture. He was forced into it, and bitched the entire time. Lastly, following up on the most important part of this episode, Adam actually won Homecoming King, so his life is complete. And so is everyone else’s, because had he lost, then damn, he would’ve raised hell. And so ended the episode. Despite the best efforts of some, this newspaper team seems no closer to uniting than they were last week.

Obviously, I am probably the last person in the blogging/journalistic universe to voice their thoughts on the most recent episode of “Lost,” part 1 of what will be a 3 hour finale. Nope, it was not the Sawyer or Claire flashback or flash forward that this particular blogger has been desperately waiting to see, but it was nonetheless a pretty solid episode. What I found particularly appealing about this episode it was that I feel confident about there being a pretty amazing finale to what’s been a pretty amazing season. There were some pretty great set-ups, and more than that, I cannot begin to fathom how the Oceanic 6 will all be united in the next two hours of story.

In response to the phone with the tracer on it that Frank dropped on the beach, Jack decides that it means they should follow the helicopter. Off go Jack and Kate, because with the exception of Juliette, Sun, and Jin, they are the only principle cast members on the beach! Who else could we expect to go? Not to mention, no finale is complete without Jack and Kate (among others) making an epic quest into the jungle. Most inconveniently though, Sayid reaches the beach shortly after Jack and Kate leave, explaining that no one should go after the helicopter because Keemy will kill them!

To sum up a few other things briefly:

-Jack and Kate run into Sawyer (with Aaron) and Miles.

-Jack sends Kate to take Aaron back to the beach and Miles goes with, while Jack and Sawyer continue the trek to the helicopter (Jack and Sawyer sharing some sort of moment in the finale is probably even more obligatory than Jack and Kate journeying through the jungle)

-Kate talks to Sayid at the beach, passes Aaron off to Sun, then she goes with Sayid back to the jungle to stop Jack and Sawyer from becoming target practice for Keemy (obviously they pack heat, because if Sayid holds a gun for only one time each season, it’s finale related).

-Meanwhile, Daniel Faraday takes on the task of ferrying people from the beach to the freighter, understanding that Keemy has come back to the island only to torch it.

Elsewhere, Locke, Ben, and Hurley are on the move as Ben leads them to the Orchid Station so that they can “move” the island. How they plan on doing this is entirely beyond me, but according to Ben it’s “extremely dangerous” so everyone still on the island just better be ready to reach for the “oh shit handle” because it sounds like it’ll be a bumpy ride. Unfortunately for them (again, in the tradition of “Lost” finales, things play out as a series of unfortunate events for our regularly troubled and usually plagued survivors), Keemy and company are waiting for Ben at the Orchid Station. Ben tells Locke exactly what he has to do in the Orchid Station, while Ben runs interference. Of course, rather than run interference by doing something crazy like summoning the black smoke monster or setting off fireworks, he does something so crazy that it just might work. He walks right in and surrenders to Keemy.

As for the others, we basically leave off with Sun and Jin reuniting with Desmond on the freighter. Oh yeah, and they sort of run into Michael there too. Awkward. Sadly, there’s not much time for a reunion, but basically, they all find a ridiculous amount of explosives on the freighter, which at this point, I’m not sure whether they are for the freighter (maybe no one is supposed to come home from this mission?) or the island (how the hell does one blow up an island?).

Jack and Sawyer reach the helicopter only to find Frank, while Kate and Sayid get stopped by Richard Alpert (the Other that doesn’t age) and whole crew of armed Others (yeah, umm, where the hell have they been all season?). From the looks of it, they’ve either been captured or maybe Richard has an offer for them?

Other than that, there was no truly significant flash forward this episode. It revolved around all of the Oceanic 6, their arrival home and their press conference. By the way, the 6 getting off the plane and being greeted by their families…probably one of the most emotional scenes in “Lost” ever. No new episode this week, two-parter next week and based on all that’s happened…it’s gonna be good. Tune in.

The most recent episode of “The Paper” defined drama as there was a great deal of conflict and struggle amidst the editors. Before getting into the heart of the story, it’s important to point out some fun character developments regarding Adam. It’s Senior Superlative time and like every senior class in history, everyone was busily requesting the ones they wanted as if they themselves choose what superlatives they will be nominated for. Amanda promoted herself for Best Personality (yuck!), while Adam found that he was up for Most Talkative and Most Dramatic (aka Most Annoying). Big Surprise.

Now, apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back in this episode was the fact that Dan really wanted to write the humor column and have it be, you know, “his thing.” Amanda decided a really funny idea for a humor column would be to write about how Halloween is not just for little kids and older kids can trick or treat as well. Granted, this would only work for the October issue because it’s a seasonal column, so she asked Dan if it was alright that she wrote the column that month because of this absolutely brilliant piece just waiting to be written. Dan allowed it, but later realized he wanted it back, and everyone went into an uproar over the situation. Amidst the chaos, no one seemed to realize that Amanda’s idea was not funny, and therefore not worthy of being in the humor column. Her idea certainly fits into the editorial section, but the humor column? IT’S NOT FUNNY!

In any case, there was a great divide in the staff and a meeting had to be called regarding respect among the editors. Amanda was practically asking for rolling eyes and laughter when her opening statement was, “When I accepted the position as your editor…” Adam got into an argument with one of Amanda’s nameless lackeys and the meeting basically did not end well. Things actually seemed worse.

To cap off this episode, a vote was made on the fate of the humor column. Adam said some things, loudly, to which Amanda’s lackey said some things, that went generally unheard, which led directly into an infamous moment from previews where Adam runs out of the room crying. Everyone laughed at him for being ridiculous, because he was being ridiculous. Anyway, Amanda got to write the humor column, even though her topic was not funny. Seeing as how Amanda got her way, against the wishes of virtually everyone else, it was only appropriate that the episode end with her giving an evil laugh…which was hysterical and weird. And so ended another awesome episode of “The Paper.”

The second major finale of the week…”The Hills.” I didn’t like this finale, because it really wasn’t finale-ish. The last episode before the break they took from December through April was more finale-ish than this one (like LC and Whitney going to Paris and Heidi dramatically driving back to Colorado). Nothing was vaguely conclusive about this episode!

Alright, so Audrina is having living issues with LC and Lo, so one might think she would move out in this episode or there would be some resolve. None! LC confronted Audrina about it, which ended in tears when Audrina declared that “Lo is driving us apart.” That’s like, all that happened with them. We watch this show week after week because it’s supposed to be interesting. That is what happened with LC. That was the most interesting thing going on in her life. I think my mom is making porkchops for dinner, why doesn’t MTV give me a reality show because of that? Wow.

Meanwhile, in more interesting news, Spencer chased after Heidi. If you recall, Heidi went with Brent Bolthouse about a job that would require Heidi to leave the Hills. Not necessarily the show, “The Hills,” but like, the Hills as in the LA area. Spencer, like an ass, interrupted Heidi’s dinner with prospective bosses, which could’ve blown the entire deal for Heidi, proving once again that Spencer has to be the most ignorant and selfish boyfriend ever. I, as a guy, am insulted that Spencer represents my demographic, the 18-25 year-old male demographic, on this show. Wow.

(Fun fact: I noticed that while Spencer and Stephanie were in the car, driving to find Heidi, the scenery outside looked fake. I further noticed that mid-conversation at a red light, Spencer had a red car to his left, after a quick shot of Stephanie, there was another shot of Spencer, now with a white SUV to his left. This baffling moment had WTF written all over it. And so I continue my downward spiral into a world where “The Hills” is entirely scripted and fake.)

In any case, the most conclusive thing about the episode was the next day, when Brent was waiting for Heidi outside his hotel. Her prospective new boss pulled up and said they had to go, “like now,” so Brent left with him. Where was Heidi? Exciting music plays as Spencer, Stephanie, and…Heidi!?! are on an escalator together. Clearly, Spencer and Heidi are back together, and Heidi won’t be taking the new job. Granted, I guess it never dawned on her to extend some common courtesy and professionalism by calling Brent and informing him of this. Instead, she blew off him and these other guys who were offering her this great job, for Spencer. Okay, we all saw that they would be back together, but honestly, this girl is 21 years-old, and she didn’t have the decency to call her boss and say, “Look, I don’t think I can take this job. I appreciate your help and the offer blah blah blah,” but no. She just blew it off like an irresponsible little %#&*. Real nice. Mama raised you real good.

Because of this incredibly inconclusive finale, I was forced to watch “The Hills After Show” to see what the girls had to say about the upcoming season. Audrina still lives with LC and Lo, and from what the previews showed, all is not well. Audrina and Lo have a blow out, and I can’t wait to see some damn action on this show. Nice.

The most puzzling thing about the girls discussing the show was the way in which they talk about the show. They talk about their lives as a show, even though the show is supposed to be taping their real lives, but they are much more real on the “After Show” than they are on “The Hills.” Rather than have actual emotions about the turbulent future of this “girls’ house” established by LC, Lo, and Audrina, their attitudes seem to be like, “Well, things get pretty interesting. You’ll just have to wait and see how things play out blah blah blah.” And so, in August when Season 4 makes its debut, I’ll once again tune in, because for some reason, for some pathetic reason, the ambiguous reality of this show fascinates me. I guess the only way to uncover the mystery behind its realness is to keep watching, and keep killing brain cells in the process.

Ah, my last “Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites” post but my first “Survivor” Finale post; such is the circle of life, with every end there is a beginning. Few things get me more psyched than a “Survivor” Finale, namely because it means 3 solid hours of “Survivor,” which can only be rivaled by about 5 hours of “Lost” on DVD. My less than interesting life is besides the point though, and there’s a lot to cover, so moving on…

Our final 4 due to Erik’s stupidity: Parvati, Amanda, Cirie (grrr), and Natalie. With the possible exception of Cirie, these are all pretty strong contenders and are mostly a deserving bunch. Granted, I would’ve liked to see Ozzy, James, or Erik get this far, but hey, I can’t argue with this game and it’s unpredictable nature. Unfortunately, things kicked off with one last challenge, which for Natalie meant a make-me or break-me battle for for survival. More unfortunately, despite an early lead in a challenge involving a long pole, a bucket of water, keys, and the construction of a ladder, Natalie lost the challenge and Amanda won immunity. Naturally, under the assumption that there was a final 3, Parvati, Amanda, and Cirie held strong with each other and eliminated Natalie, who has like, the cutest smile ever (Good reason for me not to be in this game. Chicks would destroy me because I would easily succumb to girls like Parvati or Natalie who would explain some ridiculous logic while smiling and brushing the sand with her foot. I’d be shoe-in for a sucker and a blindside.).

What happened the next day though when our final 3 received tree mail? They were not greeted by a bowl of celebratory food for making it to the final, but they were faced with yet another challenge! Of course, they did the obligatory spirit journey to remember their fallen tribemates, and then they battled one last time for a spot in the final 2. Parvati dropped the ball. Literally, the challenge was keeping a ball from falling off pegs, and Parvati dropped it. Then Cirie dropped the ball. It must be an interesting feeling to lose this game in both a figurative and literal way. Props to whoever devised this final, symbolic challenge. Amanda, again, won. And because Amanda and Parvati are so damn tight, Parvati went to the final 2 with Amanda while Cirie joined the jury! I had to wait 3 and a half months to see Cirie leave this game! I lead a difficult life. But now I get to rub it in, so I’ll say my piece and move on…Cirie, I bet now you’re really wishing you thought ahead about the off chance that there was not a final 3 and there might be a final 2, in which case it might have been a decent idea to ally with Natalie rather than ask for Natalie’s vote so you could win the game. Because you’re not a winner. You lost. Right there, you lost.

Parvati and Amanda. Final 2. Jury time! Suffice to say, they both took a pretty good deal of heat from various members of the jury. My two favorites were when Natalie asked Parvati how her flirtation as a means of getting her way “resonates in the bedroom.” I didn’t understand this question exactly, but hey, when you’re on the jury I guess you can really ask whatever the hell you want. If I made it to the jury, I’d probably blindside the final 2 with random questions like, “Why do fools fall in love?” Anyway, second fave was Ozzy’s attack on Parvati for selling their friendship for money, essentially. It was intense, but what I did dig was Ozzy’s declaration of love for Amanda. Namely because there’s nothing that I love more than people finding romance on this show. Ah, the most unpredictable things in life…love and “Survivor.”

So when Jeff Probst read the votes, I was fairly surprised to see that Parvati pulled out the victory. Don’t get me wrong, I totally called it because she played a killer game out there, but it seemed like a majority of the jury sympathized with Amanda. I thought Amanda had the whole thing locked up, but I was damn happy to see Parvati win the game.

In any case, yet another amazing season of “Survivor” comes to a close, and I can’t wait till next season. I believe it’s in Africa. If you haven’t been watching, get back in the game. See you in the fall.