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All right, I realize a post about “The Hills” could make or break me in the eyes of my six loyal readers, but the beauty of writing an unsuccessful blog is that I can to take new and exciting risks like this. I can either expand my readership or lose what little I have. Admire my bravery. Here it goes:

So oh man, it’s been a few months since we last checked in with my girl Lauren Conrad, as she ventured off to Paris with Whitney on very serious and very official Teen Vogue business. Other cliffhangers included Heidi leaving Spencer, dramatically driving home to Colorado and Audrina was being entirely uninteresting as per usual. And so the next chapter begins…

LC and Whitney had no time to waste upon arrival, with plenty of preparations before whatever event they’re working on. Despite a laundry list of things to get done, they obv just couldn’t wait to focus on themselves first and get their dresses for the event. Blah blah blah…cut to the drama.

The girls partied with a band that they had known from some prior meeting, and LC received what I could only imagine to be a very expensive phone call from Audrina regarding the fact that Brody was at a club introducing some girl around as his girlfriend. What a tragedy. LC and Brody have an on-again-off-again romance, but not in the  meant to be together sense, more so in the never really going to happen sense. Honestly, if something didn’t go wrong between these two this time, it would’ve happened two episodes later. ‘Nuff said. Either way, LC hit it off with some guy named Matthias from the band, because if not for staged flings between LC and random dudes, what is “The Hills” really for?

As if this premiere wasn’t overwhelmingly exciting as is, further drama went down when LC realized she left a curling iron on her dress, and anybody who knows anything about curling irons or dresses, or curling irons on dresses, knows that it equals one thing–Fashion Emergency! Cue musical interlude while LC and Whitney race to the dress shop where another dress is waiting for her. I guess the beauty of living an entirely staged life is that even when things seem like they won’t work out for you, they do work out for you.

I’ll interrupt the Paris trip with a special Heidi-Spencer update. Spencer flew to Colorado unannounced to see Heidi and win her back. He didn’t. He failed. Just when things worked out so perfectly for LC with the dress debacle and I was beginning to think that writers were influencing this series, this show’s reality is confirmed. Whenever a guy chases after the girl, in the end he gets her. Spencer chased, but is left empty handed. Furthermore, Heidi told Spencer she wants him moved out of the apartment when she gets back to LA. That right there is a smack in the face full of reality. Granted, we have a few episodes to watch this play out, but things seem quite final for the time being.

Back to Paris–the event goes as planned and LC and Whitney’s involvement seems meaningless. Flying them there seems meaningless. I only assume they were sent there for plot purposes. Obviously, we have to watch LC’s fling play out with Matthias on a midnight tour of Paris on a vespa. Things go no further. LC returns to Whitney at the hotel, where Whitney, as always, almost opens up about her thoughts, dreams, and aspirations, ready to reveal some real character, but of course, the producers don’t dig that and make sure that she turns the subject to LC. This happens like clockwork in every episode, Whitney is obligated to ask questions about LC’s life and we learn nothing about Whitney.

There it is. “The Hills” premiere, I was probably slightly more jaded than I hoped to be about it, but I guess I’m just waiting for something new to happen. Heidi to decisively recognize that Spencer makes great television but horrible husband material. Whitney to really show her true character and act as more than an opportunity for LC to explain her life.  Audrina to not be so stupid (Justin Bobby???????). Lo getting star billing in the opening credits. Show me a little growth. Show me a little change.