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All right, I realize a post about “The Hills” could make or break me in the eyes of my six loyal readers, but the beauty of writing an unsuccessful blog is that I can to take new and exciting risks like this. I can either expand my readership or lose what little I have. Admire my bravery. Here it goes:

So oh man, it’s been a few months since we last checked in with my girl Lauren Conrad, as she ventured off to Paris with Whitney on very serious and very official Teen Vogue business. Other cliffhangers included Heidi leaving Spencer, dramatically driving home to Colorado and Audrina was being entirely uninteresting as per usual. And so the next chapter begins…

LC and Whitney had no time to waste upon arrival, with plenty of preparations before whatever event they’re working on. Despite a laundry list of things to get done, they obv just couldn’t wait to focus on themselves first and get their dresses for the event. Blah blah blah…cut to the drama.

The girls partied with a band that they had known from some prior meeting, and LC received what I could only imagine to be a very expensive phone call from Audrina regarding the fact that Brody was at a club introducing some girl around as his girlfriend. What a tragedy. LC and Brody have an on-again-off-again romance, but not in the  meant to be together sense, more so in the never really going to happen sense. Honestly, if something didn’t go wrong between these two this time, it would’ve happened two episodes later. ‘Nuff said. Either way, LC hit it off with some guy named Matthias from the band, because if not for staged flings between LC and random dudes, what is “The Hills” really for?

As if this premiere wasn’t overwhelmingly exciting as is, further drama went down when LC realized she left a curling iron on her dress, and anybody who knows anything about curling irons or dresses, or curling irons on dresses, knows that it equals one thing–Fashion Emergency! Cue musical interlude while LC and Whitney race to the dress shop where another dress is waiting for her. I guess the beauty of living an entirely staged life is that even when things seem like they won’t work out for you, they do work out for you.

I’ll interrupt the Paris trip with a special Heidi-Spencer update. Spencer flew to Colorado unannounced to see Heidi and win her back. He didn’t. He failed. Just when things worked out so perfectly for LC with the dress debacle and I was beginning to think that writers were influencing this series, this show’s reality is confirmed. Whenever a guy chases after the girl, in the end he gets her. Spencer chased, but is left empty handed. Furthermore, Heidi told Spencer she wants him moved out of the apartment when she gets back to LA. That right there is a smack in the face full of reality. Granted, we have a few episodes to watch this play out, but things seem quite final for the time being.

Back to Paris–the event goes as planned and LC and Whitney’s involvement seems meaningless. Flying them there seems meaningless. I only assume they were sent there for plot purposes. Obviously, we have to watch LC’s fling play out with Matthias on a midnight tour of Paris on a vespa. Things go no further. LC returns to Whitney at the hotel, where Whitney, as always, almost opens up about her thoughts, dreams, and aspirations, ready to reveal some real character, but of course, the producers don’t dig that and make sure that she turns the subject to LC. This happens like clockwork in every episode, Whitney is obligated to ask questions about LC’s life and we learn nothing about Whitney.

There it is. “The Hills” premiere, I was probably slightly more jaded than I hoped to be about it, but I guess I’m just waiting for something new to happen. Heidi to decisively recognize that Spencer makes great television but horrible husband material. Whitney to really show her true character and act as more than an opportunity for LC to explain her life.  Audrina to not be so stupid (Justin Bobby???????). Lo getting star billing in the opening credits. Show me a little growth. Show me a little change.

All right, given that I’m behind on posting, I’ve decided that I can get away with a duel post on the last two weeks of “Survivor,” which seems daunting now that there are four less castaways since my last post. I apologize if it’s long…if you can’t read it all I understand…I just had a lot to say and it sort of poured out of me this way…and I hope that guilts you into reading it…because I had some damn good thoughts…

One thing that’s really bugging me this season is how many useless women remain while the men have been picked off. Obviously, this says a great deal about men and women, as the men have clearly been more willing to turn on each other and claim alpha male status, while the women have tended to maintain some sense of solidarity. Contrary to all alliances, I feel like the ladies have insisted on staying true to each other no matter what, which explains why there are four men and seven women left on this island. We see this often, so it shouldn’t surprise me, but I guess it bothers me because I see so many women slide by, undeserving, while better players, yes I’m suggesting that many men are better and more useful in this game, get picked off. Then again, if Greek mythology has taught me anything, it’s taught me that people play their strengths. While men are generally physically stronger, women in many cases are more cunning, so more power to them for playing that to their advantage.

Cut to the chase…the first episode bid farewell to Jonathan whose knee was so infected from a previous injury that he needed surgery. Gone. Tough loss. He’s one of those castaways I was never sure if I liked. He was underhanded, but at the end of the day, he was just playing the game. Despite his exit, there was still tribal council this episode, and this time Chet almost, once again, dodged the vote. Tracey, Erik, and Amy hatched a scheme to keep Chet around and knock out Ozzie, easily the strongest player on the team, possibly in the game. I’m always down for a good blindsiding, but I’m sorry…Chet’s been around far longer than he deserved, so I was not sorry to see the guy go. I still lay awake at night wondering what possessed him to think he could handle this game.

Next episode, Kathy quit because she couldn’t feel vibes from her daughter. “I know it sounds crazy,” she said. Yes, it does…quitter. No loss there. After Chet was knocked out, she was probably the weakest player in the game, so it wasn’t nearly as unfortunate as Jonathan’s departure. There was a great deal of debate about who would go home from tribal council this episode, a lot of different scenarios. Ozzie’s name came up. So did Erik’s. So did Tracey’s. Several schemes were shooting around (Cirie of all people, running her mouth), and because I happen to be a pro-Ozzie kind of guy, I was happy to see Tracey bid adieu to her tribemates. It all worked out.

I’m tempted to make one more quick point about this season. I felt like the Fans vs. Favorites concept would dissipate after a few episodes. After all, at this point, they’re all castaways and players in this game now, right? But now. The fans chosen are not typical castaways. They, quite literally, are fans through and through. I’m failing to accept them as players. Erik, for example, is not a person, he is just someone to be starstruck by the favorites. There are two chicks on James’s tribe that I don’t think have said shit all season. There has been no development of these people except for Joel, whose been gone for 3 episodes now. The focus is entirely on the favorites playing this game again, and the fans are playing right into this mold of simply being pawns in a game designed for former castaways to have a second chance. In theory, the concept is cool, but in practice, it’s just this strange barrier standing between these people. There’s no reason why they shouldn’t have integrated as players in this game by this point, but they haven’t. Honestly, I’m waiting for the merge, and then I want these fans to get their shit together and start cracking skulls…show me that they can be winners. Hatch a scheme. Show us some fireworks. Take down their idols. Become players and not spectators.

Or maybe the producers made it this way. Maybe they chose the people who would literally remain fans throughout this whole game and never pick it up and start playing. Maybe I should lose my idealistic vision of this show as legitimate reality TV because of the strange divide that still exists in this show when they should all be accepted as players. I hope I don’t have to. I hope they prove me wrong.

This is pretty much the episode I’ve been waiting for. I failed to mention something that happened on the freighter in the last episode, apologies for that, but I’m a little behind on posts and hurriedly trying to update my, being generous there’s probably six, loyal readers. Sayid and Desmond meet a certain Kevin Johnson on the freighter, but the funny thing about Kevin Johnson is that he looks strikingly like, and is, Michael Dawson.

Now we last saw Michael screw over the Losties by shooting Ana Lucia and Libby, letting Ben go, lying about it, leading Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley into a trap, then taking Walt and sailing off into the sunset. Needless to say, Michael has not made too many favorable decisions according to Jack and crew.

This episode fills in the gap about what happens after Michael leaves everyone behind, living under an assumed identity in New York, and very much suicidal. Turns out Michael’s guilt was eating him up and he revealed to Walt what he did, and since then Walt has been living with Michael’s mother and won’t speak to Michael. On the night when Michael is finally ready to kill himself, enter a visitor from the past…Tom.

Tom’s gay. Yes, irrelevant, but they included it in the episode and therefore it is my duty to report back to you this random fact that we all assumed when he first told Kate that she wasn’t his type. Dudes, chicks…Evangeline Lilly is everyone’s type, few will argue that.

Anyway, that aside, Tom tells Michael that the island won’t let him kill himself, which is proven when the gun jams up. Michael finds Tom, looking for answers, and this is where things get interesting as Tom gives Michael the opportunity to redeem himself, maybe in his own eyes, and maybe in the eyes of those he screwed over. Michael signs up to work on this freighter owned by Charles Widmore as a spy for the Others, trying to stop them from finding the island. When Michael is on board and detonates a bomb that proves to be a fake, it is confirmed that he will remain loyal to the Others.

Something I’m still skeptical about though is how Tom tells Michael that Widmore is responsible for the fake plane planted in the ocean. We don’t know much about Widmore, but while I can see him sending a freighter to find the island and exploit it, I can’t see him being as resourceful or desperate as Ben to be able to stage a plane crash and claim it to be 815. I still am willing to bet Ben’s responsible for that, that adds up much more than the explanation Tom offers, so I’m sticking with that.

Other things that happened:

Sayid drags Michael in to see the Captain, telling him what Michael revealed to him about being a spy, and the Captain seemed to take it all too well, no shock whatsoever. A note was passed at one point saying “Do not trust the Captain”…could the Captain be a spy as well? Wouldn’t put it passed this show.

Last note: Rousseau and Carl are killed by something mysterious in the jungle. Others? Who knows. Someone’s shooting, and now Alex is alone. Where this is going? Hopefully back to the Others, because damn am I curious what they’ve been up to.

I believe “Lost” is on hiatus for a few weeks now, damn the writer’s strike, but it’ll be back soon and we’ve been left with some interesting things to ponder. Should be some major payoffs heading our way after the brief hiatus, and I’m looking forward to it. Granted, what I’m waiting for is Sawyer to get some face time this season…he’s been a background player and like, come on, this is Sawyer. Bring on the the one-liners.

Sun and Jin have had a turbulent relationship on and off the island, but in the end, their love knows no limit. This episode was crucial in that it revealed the last of the Oceanic 6, and being that it was a Sun and Jin-centric episode, obviously it is no doubt Sun and…oh, right, just Sun.

Could they do this…could the writers of “Lost” actually kill off Jin? Better yet, could the writers of “Lost” actually one-up themselves from the startling twist in the season 3 finale, using flash-forwards instead of flashbacks, now using both in one episode? They did it. And no, Jin has not been killed yet, but like many before him, his death is now quite imminent and the question remains…how will it happen?

Admittedly, Sun and Jin episodes usually bore me. They never reveal too much that I find interesting and I find it to be filler space in an episode that could be better spent on other characters, but this episode was awesome. This episode was executed perfectly by the writers, making the entire episode to appear to be a flash-forward about Sun having the baby and Jin attempting to get to her with a stuffed panda for the baby. Somewhere in the episode it seems as if perhaps Sun and Jin’s relationship doesn’t last, and Jin is elsewhere during the birth of the child, but no. Sun has a girl, and when Jin arrives with the panda a nurse reveals to him that the child was a boy,  revealing that Jin’s storyline is a flashback when he is working for someone who is having a child. Furthermore, Hurley shows up to visit Sun’s baby and says they should go visit him, and they find themselves in front of a gravestone with Jin’s date of death being the date of the plane crash.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant episode! Major revelation that Jin’s number is up, most likely by the end of this season, and the use of a flash-forward and flashback in one episode was perfectly executed. Also, based on how this episode played out, we can assume that Aaron is being counted as one of the Oceanic 6. I realize I didn’t talk about anything other than the flash-forward/flashback element of this episode, but there’s not much to say about the rest of the episode. That was the mind-blowing part and I personally dug it. Keep up the good work, writers.

Honestly, I hate to make this my first movie review on the site. Worse, I hate the way I am actually going to review this movie because it will probably make it seem as if I don’t watch quality flicks. I do. I watch Oscar-worthy movies regularly, but honestly, there’s no replacement for just straight up meaningless popcorn movies (Sylvester Stallone and Samuel L. Jackson movies support this view). In any case, rather than review it, I guess what I’ll do is react to it. So then, this is my reaction to “House of Wax.”

Overall, this is a pretty well-executed horror movie.  I’ve wanted to see this movie forever, like, I distinctly remember this movie coming out in theaters and lobbying ridiculously hard to convince my friends to come see it with me, even though I think we all would’ve had a great time. Three years later, I finally saw it. On Youtube. Screw everyone who refused to go with me.

Putting aside my personal history with this movie though, here’s my slant on the whole thing–a little slow, then a little fast, but overall a pretty strong slasher movie. Here’s the thing with horror movies nowadays, it’s a status thing for hot young stars. This is fairly obvious. Like, come on, as if Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt being casted in “Scream” and “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” respectively, had nothing to do with  their participation in the once so popular “Party of Five.” “House of Wax”: Elisha Cuthbert? Ummm…yes. Throw in popular talent from hit WB series like Chad Michael Murray and Jared Padalecki and you’re bound to bring in a crowd of teens with nothing better to do with a Friday night.  Oh yes, and let’s not forget Robert Ri’chard of Nickelodeon fame (see both “Nickelodeon Sports Theater” hosted by Shaq and “Cousin Skeeter”).

Most important to this whose-who list is Paris Hilton. Basically, it seems like the motivation in her being in this movie is the idea that people would hate her enough to see this movie so they could see her die. If this is the audience I would have had to watch this movie with three years ago, I’m glad I waited. There’s really no reason to hate on Paris Hilton. If there is, I just don’t see it. Certainly not the most intelligent celebrity and has no actual reason for being famous, but yeah, I’m over that. I do not hate Paris Hilton. Nothing she has done has offended me so terribly that I would go to a movie to watch her die, in fact, I find that to be a perverse motivation to shell out $9.

Furthermore, I’d like to add that I was mildly impressed with Paris’s acting in this movie. I expected her to be incredibly lousy, assuming that she was only in this movie because at the time of its release, her name was dropped on a ridiculously regular basis. Honestly though, she held her own. She seemed genuinely sincere, and I’m not ready to start handing out Oscars or even MTV Awards to her for it, but I was prepared for worse.

And one last thing, I was pulling for her. Yes, I knew she was going to die. It was fairly evident that she was screwed when she first signed on for the role that she would not be a heroine. But when she was running, I really wanted her to escape. She got one or two great hits in on the villain and I wanted her to just take off. Leave this desperate and doomed life behind. Maybe move to a small, friendly town where the people don’t ask questions. Just get away. But that dream shattered when that freakish villain somehow threw a pipe through both windows of a car (this guy should be pitching for the Yankees or something, hell of an arm), planting it firmly in her forehead.

I guess the worst of it was that I knew she never stood a chance, but hey, I’m a sucker for the underdog.

For some reason this blog is become almost entirely “Lost”-centric. Unintentional. I’ve got ideas. I want to write about how “Grey’s Anatomy” quotes apply to every possible situation in life and how “Party of Five” is the most real and touching show ever and why I could venture to argue that Keanu Reeves is a great actor. I will. But alas, it’s Friday, so obviously I’m responding to last night’s “Lost.”

Good episode. It was a Juliette-back, the first flashback this season that did not involve time travel. Any loyal “Lost” fan loves two things: plot twists and sordid love triangles. This episode’s flashback filled in the gap on Juliette’s love life. We knew that Juliette and Goodwin were once naked in bed together, and we had the vibe that Ben and Juliette had this weird tension between them; this episode confirmed some details. Turns out, Ben and Juliette never had a thing, but Ben was quite smitten with Juliette and was quite jealous of what was going on between Juliette and Goodwin. Goodwin’s wife wasn’t too happy either…awkward. Also, we learned that Ben sent Goodwin to act as a tailie because he knew Goodwin would die. I have yet to understand how Ben knows everything he knows, but he knows a lot, and I suppose it’s mildly arguable that he is actually focusing this vast knowledge of cause/effect relationships and contingency plans in a constructive direction by creating a utopia.

There was a little action on the island as Jack, Kate, and Juliette chased after Faraday and that other chick who hasn’t done enough to be important yet to some building, where they deactivated that deadly gas that once wiped out Dharma. Apparently it can never be used again. This was a random outing for the castaways, which culminated in a romantic kiss shared by Jack and Juliette. Ben was the cooler part of this episode though.

Ben bargained his way out of being Locke’s prisoner by showing Locke a tape of Charles Widmore, stating that the freighter was his and he wants to basically exploit the island because of how special it is. Ben made a valid argument that if you found someplace so special, would you really want EVERYONE to know about? Probably not. Furthermore, Locke asked Ben straight up, creepy guy to creepy guy, who is Ben’s man on the boat? Ben answers, “You may want to sit down.” While its unanswered in this episode, I’m willing to bet that its Michael, but then again, maybe it’s Boone.

It would appear that Charles Widmore is working against Penny. Both there goals are revolving around the island, but does Charles know that Desmond is on the island? Does Widmore have anything to do with the Hanso Foundation or Dharma? Ummm…I like where this is going. I doubt these questions will be answered next week, or very soon for that matter, but its definitely a good lead. At least we’ll get a few answers next week: the final member or members of the Oceanic 6 (remember, it’s highly debatable as to whether Aaron would count, I’m thinking no) and who the man on the boat is (I’m confident that it’s Michael). While I’m theorizing though, I’ll leave off with one last theory…Sun and Jin round out the Oceanic 6.

It is an age-old custom of “Survivor” to mix up the teams after the first couple episodes. The castaways get comfortable in their alliances, they know the order in which their tribemates will be voted out but then BAM! A mix up of tribes throws the monotony and predictability of everything off.

Most satisfying part of the night for me: Jungle Joel winds up on the same tribe as Chet. More importantly, in pairing up for the challenge, Jungle Joel was tied to Chet. As an English major, I recognize poetic justice when I see it, and damn…this was some sweetass poetry. Jungle Joel dragged Chet through obstacle course chasing down the opponents, and at the end, Chet says, “I hit my head back there.” Jungle Joel replies, “I don’t care.” Chet answers this, “I know.” LOL does not begin to cover this moment…it was more of a rotflcopter or a lollercaust. Definitely my choice moment of the night.

Naturally, Jungle Joel’s tribe lost the immunity challenge, and it seemed blatantly obvious that the new, post-mix up tribe would agree that Chet was a pathetic individual and needed to not be in this game anymore. Ozzy was convinced of this too, but Cirie (damn I’m hating her more and more) had to point out that Chet was not a threat whereas Jungle Joel was playing this game intensely and was therefore an immense threat. Guess what went down at tribal council…

Once again, Chet remains on this island, and the tribe sent Jungle Joel home. Admittedly, after keeping Chet in this game as long as he had, voting out people like Mary and Mikey B. instead, Jungle Joel completely deserved this. He was working a strategic game no doubt, but I can’t respect anyone who kept someone as worthless as Chet in this long, he’s among the most pathetic players I’ve ever seen on “Survivor.”

In any case, twice in one episode Jungle Joel was dealt poetic justice. Not only was he stuck with Chet once again, his own game strategy bit him in his vine-swinging ass.  For the past few weeks we’ve seen Jungle Joel eliminate his potential threats who he was actually allied with, keeping worthless tribe members around like Chet and Kathy. This week, he fell to his own strategy when the tribe pow-wowed that Jungle Joel was playing a tough game and Chet was not playing at all, so Jungle Joel had his torch snuffed by popular demand this week.

Fair? Yes and no. Jungle Joel is clearly more deserving and worthy of staying in this game whereas Chet, among others, is not. But at the same time, this tribe employed Jungle Joel’s exact strategy in eliminating him. Based on that, poetic justice is served.

I will never bash an episode of “Lost.” Yes, I guess I have, but it’s usually out of frustration from cliffhangers and long unanswered questions or questionable plot directions. Jacob…wtf, right? Anyway, this was an albeit strange and somewhat random episode of “Lost.” Things were going in a certain direction and then BAM!, Desmond’s consciousness can shift through time (someone’s blatant shout out to “Slaughterhouse-Five”).

So basically this was a flashback episode for Desmond, the only difference being that Desmond’s flashback was not merely thematically linked to what was currently happening to Desmond on the island, it was actually an integral part of the episode. See, those premonitions Desmond had about Charlie dying (So it goes) and all that, it was because of Desmond’s exposure to intense electromagnetic radiation (I must question the scientific basis of this explanation, but then again, I read comic books, so who am I to judge anyone?). So as Sayid and Desmond travel to the freighter, they hit some sort of magnetic energy field that makes Desmond go nuts and forget just about everything, and then he randomly shifts consciousness between the present and his time spent in the army.

Not gonna lie, I didn’t like this logic. This was a sub-plot twist I didn’t really like, and I didn’t understand the idea of Desmond needing to find a constant to anchor him in one time. Straight up didn’t get it. Puzzling logic. It is what it is though, and it would seem things are back to normal, granted I think I’m just antsy to see what the guys on the freighter have to say about Ben and the island. I guess that’s what I was looking for this episode and I didn’t get much explanation, and probably won’t until a few episodes down the road.

In any case, we did learn some interesting things…time apparently goes slower on the island. Can’t say that answered any of my burning questions, but hey, it’s one of those fun facts that would look good on a pamphlet or would sound great coming from a tour guide. Other than that, we learned more about Daniel Faraday, seeing that he’s experimented with time travel and actually helped save Desmond. I don’t know. Maybe this will become an integral part of the show, time travel and such. Maybe it’ll just be another mildly under explained subplot. I’m open to seeing what happens. I think if I’m still watching this show after our first visit to Jacob’s cabin, few things can turn me off of this show. We’ll see what happens with this, but more importantly, we’ll see what happens with the freighter. Whose the spy? Why are these people after Ben? Why were they blocking Penny Widmore’s signal?

Mikey B.’s tenure as a castaway ended this week as the Fans tribe voted him out. The Fans made the same mistake the Favorites made last week…they voted out a valuable player much too early. I blame Jungle Joel, the resident muscle on the Fans tribe. I can’t call this the worst move in Survivor history, but it was a pretty stupid overall move. He flipped on Mikey B. and voted with Kathy, Tracy, and Chet, none of which have any redeeming qualities or qualifications that make them worthwhile allies in this game.

Clearly, Jungle Joel has been looking to ensure that he’s not just another vote, he wants control in this game. He proved that when he turned most of the tribe to vote out Mary a few weeks back, but this move against Mikey B. was just plain dumb. This isn’t going to help them win challenges, and one of the best ways I know of to score immunity from tribal council in this game happens to be winning challenges…so why? Why this suicidal move?

I expected better from this season. Sure, its entertaining, as always, but I expected more from these people. Here we have veteran castaways, who I should hope have learned from previous mistakes (they haven’t) and die hard fans thrown into a game which they’ve studied and probably witnessed every scenario, they should know better (they don’t). I have no problem with the castaways eliminating threats over complete non-threats once they hit the merge, that’s when its on like Donkey Kong…but to take out tribe members who could potentially help keep you out of tribal council as much as possible is a good way to hit the merge with no numbers, and no strength.

I’m hoping things turn around. Ozzy and James admitted they were wrong to vote out Yau, and I hope that will mark a turn around for not only them, but the Fans tribe as well. Kathy and Chet are pathetic. They gotta go. Jungle Joel has got to wise up and vote smart. Get it together. When you do, game on.